Hey everyone! So this time I wanted to try something a little different. Hope you enjoy listening to my post NCFR thoughts and please let me know if this resonates with you and whether this new format is something you would like. Enjoy! Be empowered, be well. Love Lorena
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I think we all have been in a place in our lives where we feel so overwhelmed and alone. There just seems to be too much going in our lives and if we try to take a step forward it either doesn’t work or we are just paralyzed. These circumstances can include grad school being a shxt show, your personal life is shambles, something is happening in your family, or all of the above. I see you and feel you. I have walked through so many overwhelming situations and one thing I can tell you is that as dire as it all seemed in the moment I was experiencing it, it all ended up okay. I know this isn’t very encouraging especially as you walk through this season of your life; but someone once told me that the easiest way to overcome a tough season of your life is literally to go plow right through it. Sometimes we get too caught up in anxiety, stress, or depression to recognize that this season of life may simply feel uncomfortable because you have never experienced anything like it in your life before! So of course it is going to be very normal and warranted that you feel all those uncomfortable and unnerving things (because this situation is NEW). Give yourself grace and love! This is one thing I have learned in my own journey is that we must feel loved and safe in ourselves and not seek it from others or things external to us. Because only we have the power to ensure that we feel safe and loved and other people in our lives are simply a reflection of what we cultivate within ourselves. Okay story time! I remember I was in my second year of grad school. I got a cold as I usually do once a year. I continued going to class and working through my cold as I always did with the expectation I have had most of life, which was that I would get over it in 3-5 days. Well, guess what, before I knew it I was on day 10 of that cold. Holy F***! And I did not feel any better. I felt so crappy and felt like it was honestly getting worse. In my desperation, I went to the doctor, a place I would only really visit once a year. Of course the doctor was concerned since I was on day 10 of this gunk without improvement and he ran some labs. The labs all came back normal for the most part other than the presence of a potential infection so I was put on antibiotics for a week. He said that I should start to feel better in the next 3-5 days. Of course those 5 days went by and I saw some improvement, but still felt like shXt. I remember sitting, alone, at my friends house just BALLING, crying because I was so over it. I was done. It has been over 3 weeks and I am still dealing with this. I go back to the doctor and he re-runs labs and he tells me “Honey, labs are great, you must just be very very stressed. You are a grad student so that could be part of why this is longer than you expected. Maybe consider therapy or group therapy with the folks upstairs.” Up until that point in my life, I had been able to have a good handle on things so this ALL SHOCKED ME. It was the first time my academic life was so stressful that my body responded with stress and anxiety that caused a simple cold to manifest into something bigger. My body was literally yelling at me to slow down. Reflecting back on this period of my life with the wisdom I have now, I realize before then I had never been in graduate school. I have never been so far away from my family. I have never worked that hard on my academics and for my graduate assistantship. I had never helped collect data while also maintaining my course work. OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO BE FEELING ALL THESE THINGS! So I ask you, is the thing that is throwing your mental or physical health through the hoops… something you experienced before? If not, GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. Give YOURSELF LOVE. And understand that you will get through it and it will be okay. For me, that cold did go away and life returned back to normal BUT now I had to learn to diminish the fear and anxiety around reliving that moment once again. So now, let’s dive into what to do when it is a circumstance that you have encountered and you are hit with these feelings once again. So the reality is we are humans and even if we have experienced something in the past it can still be overwhelming and paralyzing. I am going to tell you yet another story because it is the easiest way for me to explain the point I am trying to make. As many of you know, my parents were undocumented for most of my life until I turned 26. I grew up knowing and understanding that my family could be split up at any moment just because of the unfair systems and policies that split mixed status families. I understood that it was unfair but I learned to carry that with me and make peace with it throughout my childhood, adolescence, and parts of my young adult life. Even though I was used to this reality for pretty much most of my life, when it was time for my parents to apply for their green cards and when my dad had to have an interview to determine the decision around his green card… I was paralyzed with anxiety. I remember not being able to focus on my research or anything going on in my academic life. I remember balling in therapy about how unfair it is that I have to prove that my family would go through distress if my dad was not allowed to stay in the country. This feeling took over my body even though I had known it most of my life. And that is the reality my friends, even when you are so aware and familiar with something, it can still take over. The difference now is that you hopefully have healthy tools to cope with it. At this point, I was in therapy which was such an amazing space for me to work through some of these feelings associated with this experience. I also was a regular meditator so I had that tool to also ground me in the present moment and to remember to not get ahead of myself. Because half the time, anxiety is just a fear of the future, WHICH we have NO control over. So I used my tools to get me through and everything was okay. And even if it was not, I knew what I could do to make sure I was okay. Now that I have shared some personal experiences with you all, I also want to leave you with some takeaways about how you can navigate those seasons of life that may just be very overwhelming whether they are new or a repeated feeling. Talk to your loved ones or a therapist. I think one of the most powerful tools that we forget in these overwhelming moments is speaking out loud about what is going on in our lives. Whether this is with your therapist, your best friend, your parents, your partner, who it may be… speak whatever is overwhelming you out loud. I recommend that you ask whoever you go to if they have the mental space to hear you out and if they say that they do, express what you need to say. Don’t hold back. I would do this over a call or video call or a voice message and not a text message. There is something very powerful and freeing about saying our fears and anxieties out loud. And if you do not know if you have anyone in your life you can do this with, please feel free to reach out to me. I know a whole community of people and scholars that I am sure you can connect with! Do something that grounds you in the present moment. This recommendation comes straight from my Latina therapist who is AMAZING! When you are overwhelmed, stop yourself. You do not need to have a solution at this very moment. Ground yourself! Some of you may ask what does that even mean, to ground myself?! It literally means to put yourself back in the present moment instead of the depths of your mind. This can be as simple as asking yourself what do I see in front of me, what do I feel, what do I smell, what do I hear, to come back to the very moment you are in. This can also include taking 10-20 deep breaths to come back to your body. It could also be putting on your favorite song and dancing to it. Or even going outside and taking in the sun and fresh air for 5-10 minutes. Do anything that brings you back to your body and to what you are doing at that very moment. Be grateful. And not take away from what is going on in your life, but sometimes it is so easy to forget how amazing MOST things in our life actually are. Remind yourself of the good things in your life if they are true for you… it can be as simple as being alive, having a roof over your head, having something to eat, for your friends, family, your job, your career, anything that you love with your whole heart that you are SUPER GRATEFUL for. I find this always makes me smile and makes the circumstances more bearable because there is always something to be grateful for. Be honest with yourself and step into your authentic self. When you are overwhelmed, be honest with yourself. Why is it? Are you scared of the future? Are you fearful of failure? Tell yourself why you feel overwhelmed. Understanding the deeper source of the overwhelm is very informative. I can tell you though that this is not an easy task. You can even ask a trusted person to be real with you and tell you from their perspective why you may be feeling the way that you are. This reality check proves to be useful, only when you are ready for it. Go for the remedies. Sometimes the overwhelm or life in general can be A LOT. Go for the remedies. I personally have never been on medication for anxiety or depression, but I personally know friends who have or are and they benefit from it. I usually go for natural stuff like teas, vitamins, and reiki. Whatever works for you, reach for it. Sometimes we all need a little extra to get through the challenging times. Be playful. Even when life gets hard, remember to be playful. Dance, sing, color, paint! Do whatever makes your heart sing. I know I like to sing at the top of my lungs when I feel anxious and it helps me feel so much better. I am a BIG Los Bukis fan, so you hear me belting out the romanticas as if someone broke my heart hahaha but it is so soothing and relieving to do so. I also like to have random dance parties to cumbias in the kitchen and just a short dance session makes me so alive. So whatever that playful thing is for you, also do it! Remember you are here for a reason. I always want you to remember how valuable you are. How loved you are. You are here on this earth for such an important purpose. And if you don’t know what it is, that’s okay. Don’t you ever forget how beautiful of a human being you are. Another way to cultivate these good feelings on your own is by writing yourself a love letter or journaling about your ideal self. Putting the pen to the paper to remind yourself how amazing you are is such a powerful practice. And if no one tells you, I want you to know how amazing you are and that I am glad you are around. You make this place we call earth a better place. And with that my friends, los dejo! Los amo (I love you). Go out there and take space. Do what makes you happy. And most importantly please know how valuable and how loved you are. You are EXTRAORDINARY! KEEP GOING! I believe in you. Lorena Yo soy Latinx, Latina. I am brown y orgullosa. To be honest, until recently I didn’t think much of Hispanic Heritage Month. I honestly didn’t even know that there was a whole month dedicated to celebrating our heritage. Thanks to social media and my presence on social media this has changed. I think Hispanic Heritage Month is more than just celebrating our heritage and all the amazing things our people have accomplished; it is also a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the beauty and impact that our Latindad has in our day to day lives. Today, I wanted to share with you how I grew into my loud and proud Latina self. For me, being Latina wasn’t something that I actively thought about until college. Growing up, I was used to just being Mexican and speaking Spanish. For instance, in high school, most of my friends were White. I don’t think we ever talked about cultural differences or the fact that the world could view me differently because of my brownness. My friends loved and accepted my crazy Mexican self and would hang out with my Mexican family, but we never questioned our differences or acknowledged that these differences were real. At this point in my life, it was the basic things that brought us together such as spending 8 hours a day together, sports, shared hobbies and interests, I mean like any other high school kid. It wasn’t until I started applying to college that I realized that being brown actually meant something more than I have ever imagined. Every application asked me to check whether or not I identified as Hispanic/Latino. I knew that I belonged in this category but didn’t know there was a whole world of structures and institutions that used this simple check box to make decisions not only about who gets into college, but also federal policies. In this instance I slowly started to learn that being Mexican in this world meant way much more than just being Mexican. It actually carried a ton of weight not only for colleges, but also for how I would interact with the world beyond the safe space of my family’s home. After applying to many colleges, I decided not to go too far home, I went to the University of Arizona. This venture took me 120 miles south from home. I remember walking onto campus and yes I saw the usual lot of White students that I was used to seeing all the time, but what really twinkled in my eye was the number of students that looked like me. It was the first time that half the people I walked by on campus and sat by in the large lecture halls were brown like me. I often heard students speaking Spanish, and quickly I started picking up Spanglish, something I had only heard in movies and never actually engaged in because I really didn’t have people to share this awesome magic mash of English and Spanish. It was like a whole new world was literally opening for me at the University of Arizona. This new reality was so enlightening and even changed how I engaged with others. I could now share my first language and culture, without having to explain every detail. It was natural y we understood todo lo que we eat and why our padres are so overprotective and need to know where we are at a todas horas. This felt perfect and like a breath of fresh air. I really started to enjoy this new found world. It was in my second year of college that being Mexican, Latina actually gained an even deeper meaning para mi. I came to know Sigma Lambda Gamma (SLG), a Latina sorority. I came across SLG because my friend and now sister Brittany would always walk into our Family Studies classes loud and proud in her SLG gear. She would always share the amazing and fun times she would have with her sorority sisters. In getting to know her, she also talked me into joining SLG. I remember walking into my first event with SLG and seeing that it was a room full of other Latinas. I heard them talking about their weekends with their families and, something about just overhearing them, felt like home. Sure enough after that event, I wanted to join the sorority. Being around like minded Latina women felt comfortable, felt serene, and most importantly felt real for once. I went through the pledging process and got to know my now Line Sister on such a deep level. She and I became inseparable. The most important thing about sharing this pledging process with her was realizing that even though we had never crossed paths before, our lives were more similar than we could ever imagine. Two Latinas living very similar realities without even realizing it. We both shared the reality of our parents living undocumented in the United States. The burden and beauty of carrying that reality with us every waking hour. We were privileged to walk and live in the glorious ivory halls of college life, while our parents were fighting to make an honest living every day, risking their safety. Through this experience, I finally realized the weight of importance that being Mexican, being Latina, has had on my life. And for once I could share this weight with someone who was also carrying this very same weight. Being Latina, Being Mexican, is more than just the color of my skin or the food that I eat with my family; it also includes the harsh realities that many of us experience navigating the Whiteness that constantly invades this country. It involves carrying this heavy weight of undocumented family members from a young age; always having to prove your worth because they treat our beautiful brown skin, like cheap dirt; walking around with a passport in your backpack in case someone were to pull you over and ask you to prove your citizenship. Sometimes this is forgotten in the beauty and fun of Hispanic Heritage Month. Let’s remember the beauty of these struggles that are integral to who we are as individuals and as people. I became more interested and invested in learning and somehow using my career to support the experiences of Latinx individuals. This led me to developing an interest in conducting research on Latinx adolescents. I honestly didn’t know I could build a whole program of research on understanding the very mere experiences I lived growing up and use it to inform policies and programs in the United States. This is the empire I have started to build since college. After I joined SLG, I became confident. I became grounded in my Latina identity and I took off from there. I became a leader in many organizations across campus and showed up at the strong Latina I am. I made the decision to pursue a PhD where I would focus on understanding how our culture, our family experiences, and our own individual experiences all contribute to our academic achievement. I was very fascinated to learn about the unique experiences of being Latinx in the U.S. education system. And that’s exactly what I did. This empowered Latina started pursuing research opportunities in her department and was afforded the opportunity to dive deeper into research through the UROC program at the University of Arizona. From there, I applied to 10 PhD programs. In my applications, I made it clear that this mujer was a Mexican scholar, a Latina ready to take on the world and change it through research that empowers her Latinx community. Sure enough, I took off to Penn State where I spent 5 years researching Latinx communities, but the crazy part was the more impactful research study that I conducted, was on myself. Being Latina in central Pennsylvania, was much more different than being a Mexicana in Arizona. I learned so much about myself and learned to value my Latindad to such a deeper level and even learned that you can’t just find good tortillas anywhere in the United States (which btw is a SHAME haha). I learned about the beauty and diversity in our Hispanic communities. I had the honor of becoming friends with individuals who were Latinx, but not Mexican. It expanded my horizons and my appreciation for our roots. I got to work with families who were Puerto Rican and Dominican; and learned about their stories through our research work. What they didn’t know was that I was so honored and grateful to spend those hours with them hearing how they spend their day to day lives. There is so much love, richness, and gold in hearing all the simple, yet amazing things our people do. If you do this kind of research, take time and really appreciate it! Thankfully your girl finished her PhD and became part of the 8% of Latinxs with PhDs (according to NSF) in the United States. What an honor to be able to represent my people in this special space. Now it’s time to go change the world with this degree, but also not allow the world of PhDs to tell me what I can and cannot do with my degree. I want to use my research, my voice, to change the very spaces that oppress Latinx communities, particularly in education. I am diving into the non-academic world of PhDs to use research to shape policies and practices that shape the day to day experiences of our Latinx communities. Even if it is in the smallest way possible, I want to use this gift of being able to effectively connect research to policy that I have been given to push changes out there in our systems, government, and the very neighborhoods we all live in. Let’s do the damn thing! Together podemos! I share my story about how I came into my Latina identity because some of us don't connect with it until we are adults. For some of us, it doesn’t make sense until it does. Also to allow you to think back and reflect on your own experiences of growing into your Latinx self. There is so much beauty and power in each of our stories. You don’t have to have invented something or have a groundbreaking discovery to be considered a face of Hispanic Heritage Month. Look at my story, I am just an ordinary person like you all. All of our stories have value and are part of the beautiful fabric that represents the Latinx people in the United States. Take some time in the next few weeks to honor your story, your families’ stories, your friends' stories, anyone you want to learn about and see the beauty of our people in those that surround you everyday. Happy Hispanic Heritage Month my fellow Latinx scholars, let's keep empowering each other not only in this month but year round! Many of you have stuck around and have seen how much my life has changed in the last two years! Finishing grad school, going into a postdoc, and now my first “real” job; and I have nothing but gratitude for all the blessings and dreams that have come into fruition. The funny thing is that many of you look at me and think “hey, she has this all figured out and knows exactly what is coming next!” The reality is, I don’t. If you would have asked me 2 years ago or even a year ago that I would be working at Child Trends, I would have laughed and said that you are crazy! What I want to share with you in this blog is that life is constantly changing. The one thing I have learned in my awakening to my authentic self is that the one constant in this life is change. Understanding this simple concept about change has helped me embrace my life through a different perspective. One where I let go of control and trust God, the Universe (or whoever you believe in), because life has always had a way of working things out more perfectly than I could have ever imagined. Today I am going to share a series of mini stories so you can understand what I mean. Mini Story #1 Last summer, I actually started applying to a lot of government jobs because I was told that it can take 6-9 months from start to finish. And I wanted to give myself plenty of time to land the federal job I have been dreaming of since I completed my first federal internship as a graduate student. If you are at all familiar with government jobs, the first step of the process is to submit all your materials and an “assessment” of your skills to determine if you are “qualified” for the job. I put all these terms in quotation marks because it is a rigid way of trying to get a job, where it works in favor of folks who are already doing these government jobs. So I kept submitting applications and kept getting emails that I was not “qualified”. And this was the result for months! I was not discouraged because I had plenty of time to figure this out. I was also paying attention to jobs outside of the federal government just to keep my options open. Sure enough, I saw the opening for Child Trends and said to myself I have nothing to lose by submitting my application, so I did. In the process, I had been found qualified for a federal job, but had not heard anything more than that. Radio silence for a few weeks on the job front, so I decided to pause because again I was early in the game. Sure enough a few weeks went by and it's like EVERYONE wanted to interview me! I had two interviews for federal jobs and I had an interview with Child Trends. I scheduled interviews and just went through the process of seeing if any of these options were a good fit for me. Because a wise mentor told me that interviews aren't only what I have to offer an organization, but also what they can offer me. I kept with this mentality because I was in no rush or pressure to find the “right job” yet. Sure enough, I did all the interviews and to my surprise one of the jobs just felt right, but it was hard to admit to myself. Finally, all the job offers started pouring in and I was questioning what to do next. For the last few years all I had talked about was landing a federal job and becoming a fed. My dream was to walk in the hallways in the U.S. Department of Education as a federal employee. And now my gut was telling me that Child Trends was actually the best fit. I was shaken because even logically looking at the offers and what I would do for the federal government vs. what I would do at Child Trends, the answer seemed easy. But it wasn’t because my dream for so long was to be fed as I had described. I had to swallow the pill and accept that my plans, aspirations, and dreams can change and are always ever evolving as I myself evolve as a person. Scared out of my mind and trying to buy time to choose the “right” job I finally had to make the choice. I made the scary choice of going against what I had “planned” and accepted the Child Trends job. I have officially hit my 90 days at Child Trends and I can tell you my gut was right, this job was it! I am happy where I am at and can see in just this short time why this job is exactly what I need in my current stage of life and career. Alas change is scary, but not a bad thing. Mini Story #2 Fall 2018, I had just finished my first internship at the U.S Department of Education. I came back to grad school with this new found passion and confidence in what the future had for me because I had made the commitment that I was not going to pursue an academic career, I was headed full force into the non-academic world. I was loud and confident about these new found plans. I was not afraid of this authentic part of myself that I had just discovered or to share it with everyone around me. People were so taken aback by this new me that I was even labeled a “rule breaker” because I was out here following my own path and not the one expected of me. And because I was being authentic, not even the “rule breaker” label could shake. I was on top of the world. Fast forward to Spring 2020, as many of you recall in a blog I shared a year ago (find it here if you are curious), my literal academic world fell apart. I was thrown in to re-proposing my dissertation and changing the scope of work I was going to pursue. In the midst of that, I was in full swing with non-academic job applications and applying to the SRCD Federal Policy Postdocs (state and federal). The major hurdle with my dissertation honestly made me question everything I was doing and even all the amazing dreams for my career in the non-academic world. In the end, everything worked out. I finished in the summer (as previously planned), landed the SRCD federal policy postdoc, and moved on and out of State College! The change in plans with the dissertation showed me that often life throws curves balls in the plans and we have NO CONTROL over that. Alas even when I had no control on how things were going to turn out, the trails that came with it made me stronger and the empowered woman I am today. Mini Story #3 This story is a major throwback and a good one for all of you starting grad school this fall! It was August 2015, little 22 year old Lorena had just arrived in State College, PA with nothing but three suitcases and a little heart full of dreams (see full story here). It was the first time ever that I was more than 2,000 miles away from home and with no single soul that could come to my rescue should I have needed comfort or support. The only thing that comforted me in that moment was believing that I had somehow made the right choice even though it didn’t feel like it then. Everything was new, foriegn, and just weird. I had nothing familiar to lean on or console me. I had to blindly keep stepping forward knowing that this all would somehow work out. And it was hard! I remember crying alone, really questioning what I had willingly decided to do with my future! Had I made the right decision? Was I really going to survive without everything familiar near me? My first semester went by slow and fast at the same time. I had survived but the level of discomfort was next level. I knew deep down that I had made the right choice so I had to keep holding on to that belief that this change was for my highest good and was leading me right exactly where I needed to be. And it did… fast forward I finished grad school, met my husband, and now I am working a job I could have only ever dreamed of! Once again, a change that I choose to make, while again scary reminds me of how beautiful change can be. I shared these mini stories with you because our lives are constantly changing! Things are always shifting whether it is by our own doing and choices, or because life has other plans for us. Reflecting on these stories with you all reminds me that I don’t have to have everything all figured out. As long as I am following my heart and my dreams, it always seems to work out. And usually better than I could have ever planned! So what does this mean for your life as a graduate student or as a professional? It means that you should not be afraid of change. We are constantly told that there is a “path” or a “right way” to get to our destination, but that isn’t the case. The path has to be created by you because there is only one of you. How that path turns out can only be formulated by you! Do you have an interest in trying a job that is way different from what you are doing now? Go for it! Are you interested in blogging but academics don’t really do that, do it anyway! You have an unconventional way you want to portray or pursue your research question, go do it! There is a reason why you are having these creative thoughts, ideas, and desires because they are meant to set you apart and help you reach that destination that you are searching for. I also think we should be more open and vulnerable about how change affects us. Because often we expect change to be this nice, fun, experience especially when we are the ones actively choosing the change, but that's not always the case. We feel that when change is not “beautiful” we are failing or inherently doing things wrong. As you can see from my stories, change can be hard and even painful, but that does not mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. Change can honestly just suck sometimes, and imagine if we bonded over change how much closer we would be as human beings. The reality is sometimes we need the fear and pressure to continue evolving into the people we are meant to be. There is a reason change is always constant. It is about time that we use change to our advantage and that we grow and transform into the beautiful beings we are meant to be. I believe in you! You got this! |
AuthorDr. Lorena Aceves unapologetically telling you the real deal about being brown in an academic world, but deciding she is going to be her authentic self and make her wildest dreams come true en esta vida! Archives
November 2022
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