Here is the first story of resistance....where the journey to the PhD began..... Just like many of you I went to graduate school right after graduating undergrad. In May 2015, I graduated from the University of Arizona. The summer after graduation I got a fun job because part of me already knew that grad school would take away some of the fun in my life. This is something I highly recommend to anyone, take some down time or do something "non-academic" before graduate school. You will thank yourself in the future. I was a summer camp counselor for 5-8 years old. I remember that summer flying by super fast because I was having so much fun with the campers. And before I knew it, it was August 10th, 2015, the day I boarded my one-way flight to "Happy Valley" aka Penn State. On that day, I remember feeling excited, BUT I WAS ALSO SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. I had never lived anywhere outside of Arizona or ever been more than 200 miles away from my family. Being Mexican, you are always taught to put your family first and stay close. And I did the complete opposite by moving over 2,600 miles away. On August 10th, 2015 I boarded my one way flight to State College and took my window seat. As the plane took off, my tears also took off. I remember knowing DEEP DOWN I made the right decision, but I was still an emotional wreck. I was not too sure what I was doing and even though I knew I made the right decision, I was still questioning everything about it. Especially, knowing that my family was super proud of me but at the same time upset I decided to move so far away. After, 8 hours of travel I arrived to Happy Valley. I was dropped off at my empty apartment, in which I only had the 3 suitcases that I had brought with me. The first few days in State College were a blur between the jetlag, the fear, and the loneness that hit me. And these feelings would continue for the next weeks to come. I vividly remembered crying every single night for the first 2-3 weeks in State College. I felt so out of place and out of my element. I even remember crying on the phone with my mom a few times, and despite her wanting to tell me I told you so, she held back and told me that in order to a better yourself, sometimes you have to things that are uncomfortable and that she was super proud of me. The feelings only got worse once classes started and I began interacting with my cohort. I fell into the deadly trap that many BIPOCs fall into: the comparison game. In classes, I had classmates that would always know what to say and engage in active scholarly discussion, while I could barely muster the courage to even participate. So as you can imagine, I was already an emotional wreck, and these experiences made all this feel even worse. In those first few weeks, I felt and honestly did believe that I was the only one that felt this way because everyone else seemed to be doing so much better than me. I also came to realize that it was much harder to make friends in grad school than it was at any other point in my educational career. In that moment, I also fell into the second trap: that everyone already has friends and did not want to be friends with me. This thought made me feel even more out of place, which was weird because I am typically very social and make friends very easily. Those first few weeks of graduate school were a total hot mess. I was totally out of my element. I had not experienced many of the emotions (sadness, fear, etc.) I was experiencing so intensely and I was not too sure what I was doing half the time. IF YOU ARE FEELING THIS…. This all normal! Do not think for a moment that it is just you because it is not. Even the most intelligent person in your cohort is feeling some of these things whether you believe it or not, but at the end of the day do not fall in the comparison trap or the friendless trap. BUT I admit that it is super EASY to fall into either of these traps. SLASHING THE COMPARSION TRAP- The reality is that you will continually fall into the comparison trap throughuot the years of graduate school and THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL. But when you find yourself falling into this trap become aware and ask yourself why are you comparing yourself? For me it was often trying to find some twisted way of making myself fell better that often DID NOT WORK. Instead what I learned throughout graduate school that helped me was to validate my experience. Feeling all these emotions and fears WAS TOTALLY NORMAL. I was a first generation Latina, with immigrant parents that mostly speak Spanish, entering academia. No one in my immediate or extended family had even considered what it would like for one of us to become a doctor and yet here I was taking those first steps into the unknown. I started embracing my unique experience because my experience was power. The first step was always to validate it and know I could not try to be anyone but my authentic self. I was admitted into my graduate program because I deserved to be there and I am worthy to earn my degree from this institution. I also liked to remember what one of my mentors would tell me when I started comparing myself to others was to put my "blinders" up because all I could do was focus on my path and journey because it does not belong to anyone but me. MAKE FRIENDS- STAY AWAY FROM THE FRIENDLESS TRAP- Since I am naturally a social butterfly this trap was easy for me to overcome. After orientation with my cohort, I made a pact with myself that I would step out of my comfort zone and be proactive in making friends. I know many of us feel uncomfortable asking for help or asking someone to hang out, but I did just that. Anytime anyone in my cohort offered to help me or to do something together, I would do it because I knew this was going to help me in making friends and finding my people. The one moment I remember where I really made an effort to stay away from the friendless trap was at a college wide diversity training in which I happened to see another brown girl across the room and we both had made eye contact. We got to talking and realized that we had some things in common so I took the plunge and asked to exchange numbers so that we could hang out later. Funny thing is, even though it took all my courage to talk to the other brown girl in the room it paid off, because this brown girl (AKA Marina) not only became my roommate for 4 out of the 5 years of graduate school, but also became one of my closest graduate school friends. We both recently finished our PhDs together. We are now bonded forver because we shared our graduate school journeys and personal lives for 5 entire years. SO my friends… even if you are deathly afraid or your mind keeps telling you that you may make a fool out of yourself … STEP OUT AND MEET PEOPLE. I know this may be a bit more challenging during a pandemic but use social media or any zoom meetings or happy hours to connect with others because you don't who may become such an important part of your life!! So my fellow friends… remember you deserve to be in that graduate program DO NOT QUESTION IT. It will be hard journey especially based on what makes you, YOU! Own it because YOU will contribute to your grad program and society, and even if you are still figuring it all out, KNOW THAT YOU MATTER! Also get creative don't fall into feeling disconnected and lonely, we have so many ways we can connect LET'S USE THEM. I am more than happy to help you further if you DM me. This Brown Resistor leaves you with following:
Yup. Being a brown girl in academia is a daily exercise of overthrowing the system. Let’s dive in. Welcome to my blog: Vive La Resistencia (translation: The Resistance Lives!). My name is Lorena or Dr. Aceves-Koscinski (still getting use to the whole doctor thing). I am a first generation Latina (Mexican) scholar. I grew up in Arizona and completed my undergrad at the University of Arizona. From there, I moved across the country to Penn State to pursue my PhD in human development and family studies. I recently finished this whole PhD thing and will be starting a career outside of academia as a AAAS/SRCD Federal Policy Fellow (one of the many stories I will share on this blog and is why I am coined "a resistor"). I have decided now that I am officially Dr. Aceves-Koscinski to openly and unapologetically share the good, the bad, the horrors, and the awesomeness that I experienced while completing my PhD. With this blog, I hope to reclaim my own power, but also empower other fellow BIPOC students pursuing their PhDs by sharing my personal narrative. Through my stories, I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want you to know that you are not the only one feeling the way you are feeling or believing that the crazy things you are experiencing in grad school are only happening to you. As students of colors, we must share our narratives to empower each other and join forces to improve the system for those to come in the future. I will share ALL THE STORIES, starting with where it all began 5 years ago. I want to show you all that we all have our struggles AND THAT THEY ARE VALID. Our struggles may not look exactly the same, but I hope that by sharing my struggles some of you can find solace in that we all face obstacles, but that we can be resilient and persevere. In the future, I also hope to invite guest bloggers that can share their own stories to add to this collective of "open-minded" individuals that are resisting and destroying barriers to better themselves and the system. I also want all of you to feel welcomed to connect with me, ask questions, seek advice, or a recommend a topic you would like to hear more about it. I care about you and your success. I am here to be your biggest hype woman. Lastly, please DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT:
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AuthorDr. Lorena Aceves unapologetically telling you the real deal about being brown in an academic world, but deciding she is going to be her authentic self and make her wildest dreams come true en esta vida! Archives
November 2022
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