Boundaries? Limites? Is that even a word that exists among Mexican, Hispanic, or other families? It is a question that I often ponder and it puzzles me a lot. Today we are going to cover a topic that no one teaches us about because I want you to be aware of behaviors or practices that may not be serving you. So you can achieve your most amazing dreams and can hit all those goals you have set for yourself! Let’s dive in. Boundaries. Limites. This little word that I had actually not heard or even started implementing until recently. As a daughter of Mexican immigrants, limites are non-existent. You work hard and you take people’s crap because that is what is expected of you. You must be “una persona descente” (a decent person) or “respetuoso” (respectful). And often these ideals come at what cost… the cost of our own mental health. And who is that serving, definitely not you and in turn it creates unhealthy cycles that will keep getting worse over time and even bleed into your professional life and decrease your quality of life. Let me tell you a little story… Once upon a time… there was a young vibrant Latina who went off to graduate school. She was full of dreams and aspirations to change the world. But what she didn’t understand was that in order to live out those dreams, she had to set her boundaries and be aware of certain things to protect her time and energy. This Latina allowed faculty and people with authority to overwork her and step all over her. She also allowed these same individuals to blur the lines between professional and personal life. What she didn’t know then was that she wasn’t even conscious she allowed this in her life because growing up in her Latinx family, having no boundaries, letting people walk all over you is “okay”. This is the “norm”. You must do everything everyone else wants of you (especially if you are a female). Otherwise you don't love your family or are full of yourself. Eres una mal educada ( you are not respectful). The voice in head would say these things as I kept engaging in these unhealthy behaviors, even though something didn't feel right about it. Well, this Latina goes through a heck of a lot in her graduate program and somehow successfully beats the odds and graduates with her PhD. She starts her first professional position and is ready to deal with the same bullshit because that’s all she has been used to her entire life, it was the norm for her. BUT quickly, she learns that the treatment she received in graduate school and these people pleasing ideals she had adopted and enacted her entire life were A COMPLETE LIE. She was working at an organization where her opinion mattered and she was allowed to say no or disagree with others, and people still liked her as a colleague. WOW… what a concept that appreciation is not simply based on producing or what you can provide to someone else….. A non-conditional workplace and colleagues! These experiences shook this Latina’s world and drove her back to therapy to explore the “real” meaning behind her anxiety. This Latina… found herself a Latina therapist and started unpacking these wild and foriegn concepts. The first deja-vu moment this Latina had was when she realized that a lot of her anxiety came from feeling like she had to be “on” all the time and work herself to the ground. The therapist helped her see that she had adopted this mentality because for her immigrant parents “working hard” was the norm because of their circumstances, but that those circumstances didn’t belong to her. She was allowed to breathe and relax even if the goals weren't fully achieved yet. This blew her mind! Because the therapist helped her unpack how this mentality may have served her family and even her back in the day, but doesn’t mean that it is serving her now. This was just the beginning… This Latina quickly learned that she was more productive and did better work when she took time off to take vacations and used the evenings and weekends to recharge and do things she loves. She also learned that her career does not equal her. She has value with or without her career. This shift in mentality bought her so much freedom. And the changes kept coming and coming… This Latina is slowly healing and understands that rest is just as important as work, if not more important. And that she is valuable not because of her career or degrees, because her life has values beyond any of that. This Latina, my friends, was me. I have recently experienced all of this and all of this transformation in my life. Boundaries are so important for your own well-being and for your success. I am going to provide you with tangible ways you can examine the boundaries you hold and how to work on holding your boundaries… so you can reach your dreams and be the best version of yourself.
I hope this was useful to you and that you hold those limites and be your best self! En paz y amor, Lorena
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Faith, mi fe, has been my saving grace in some many instances throughout graduate school and my ever-emerging career as a developmental scientist. There have been so many instances in life where, had I relied on the sheer facts I wouldn’t be where I am at today nor would I be who I am today. So, before you stop reading this blog post hear me out. It may just show you that faith has been frolicking in your life too. It was summer 2018, I was getting ready to drive down to the suburbs of Maryland where I would be living for the summer because I had landed an internship at the U.S. Department of Education’s Institute of Education Sciences (IES). I was so excited, wide eyed and bushy tailed; ready to take on the world. I remember thinking how was it possible that the daughter of two undocumented immigrants was interning with the federal government. It truly blew my mind that somehow the right people and opportunities came across my path. I remember walking into the U.S. Department of Education and roaming the hallways to go get my badge and thinking how crazy that ME, a first-generation Latina was entering this federal space in Washington, D.C.! I grew up in Arizona so anything on the East coast seemed like foreign land to me. And now I was entering these very spaces I thought were out of reach. I had no idea what to expect at my internship especially since it was my first encounter with the world outside of academia as an aspiring PhD. The most comforting part and feeling that reminded that I was where I needed to be was the open arms with which IES/National Center for Education Research (NCER) team received me. From day one, they made me feel like I belonged. They held my hand every step of the way in learning everything that was new to me, especially about navigating this new environment. Being in this new space challenged how I thought about research and most importantly opened my eyes to how I had way more to offer than I initially thought going into the internship. I went into the internship being on the fence about staying in academia, so this was really an opportunity to find myself professionally, except what I did not expect is that I would also start finding that authentic self within me that had been suppressed for way too long. I began to fully come together as a human. In the 10 weeks, I spent at IES/NCER. I learned everything there is to know about being a program officer for a research funding agency. I also got to learn about ALL the awesome career opportunities available to me outside of the academy because my internship supervisors provided me so MANY opportunities to network within the department and all over D.C. And while I was learning all these great things, I was also learning a lot about myself. During my internship, I would spend my lunch hour reading a book called “Rediscovering Your Greatness”. In these personal lunch time lessons, I learned about how I actually play a really active role in my life (even when I don’t believe it) and that even though some things look like they happened “on accident” that is truly not the case. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for us and takes us exactly where we need to be. That’s when I realized the great role my faith plays in who I am as a person, but also my career. I remember prior to landing the internship, I was feeling very lost about what my future would hold. I knew I didn’t want academia, but didn’t know where my life could take me with this new found uncertainty. I honestly felt so helpless, but something kept me going. And yes, it was my “Why”, my family, my loved ones, and community, but there was something bigger inside of me, this feeling that kept me going even when I thought I would give up. I truly believe that was my faith, mi fe, in knowing that this path was for me even if it was veering off into the non-academic world; even when I couldn’t explain it in precise words. Sure, the other things like your “why”, your family, your loved ones, and your community keep you going, but at the end of the day I think it’s that feeling many of us can’t explain (which is God, faith, the universe) that reminds us every day we are on our “right” path through the people around us, the opportunities that show, and those “happy accidents” that change our lives. Looking back, I see how so many “happy accidents” occurred during my internship that led me to important stepping stones for my future. For instance, the summer of my internship was the first time I ever encountered the organization Child Trends. As a first-generation Latina, I didn’t know I could use my PhD to go work for a research organization and do more applied research. During my internship, I got connected with folks there and I conducted a few informational interviews that summer. And for those that don’t know the important connection here about Child Trends is that I work for them now!!!! I also first learned about the Society for Research on Child Development Federal Policy Postdoctoral Fellowship during my internship. Before my internship, I had no idea this fellowship was an opportunity I could pursue. And thanks to one of internship supervisors, I was informed of this opportunity and she encouraged me to apply. Thanks to my supervisor believing I could and should pursue the fellowship, I successfully landed both the SRCD Federal and State fellowships, and just wrapped up 2 years of the SRCD Federal Policy Fellowship at the Office of Head Start. I share these two specific examples because it shows you how everything comes full circle even when you least expect it. This is why it is important to follow that faith, that gut feeling because it can be setting you up for the next great thing without you realizing. I hope the next time that you are feeling hopeless about graduate school or your future career that you stop and have some faith. Stop and listen to that part of you that KNOWS what you want and where you want to go. Also have some faith in the God above and the universe (or whoever or whatever you believe in) that everything is working in your favor because I believe it is. I am rooting for you. You got this. And of course, you can’t do all this alone so make sure to talk to your loved ones, you hype squad because sometimes our Faith and God speaks through them too. Paz y Amor- Lorena Today, I felt inspired to do something a little different. Here is a little poema for all of you grinding away, hitting those milestones, and reaching your dreams… GET IT! Quierdx grad student, You work so duro You put your amor and sudore into everything you do Sigue para adelante, keep going forward The camino is hard It’s not straight, it’s not curvy It is mountains with cliffs, gaps, ascents, and beautiful scenes Que matan, that test every single ounce of you, But remember the scenic views are worth it Recuerda who you are Let God or el universo, whoever you believe in Carry you through, you will make it Yo se that the darkness settles in But tú eres fuerte, resilient You always make it through Tu puedes, and you will The camino throws you curveballs, snow storms, and hail But it also gives you light, comfort, and a blanket of amor Lean into those because those are of the things que te llevan Que te ayudan through the dark Pero creo en ti, I believe in you Vas llegar, you will arrive Al final, te llamaré Dr., PhD yo lo se I know it, because it is the truth You work so hard, you deserve it Te mereces el mundo que deseas Don’t let nadien or nada stop you or challenge your suenos Yo creo en ti y tus sueños Creo en esa piel canela tuya Rise up, sigue Press forward, finish your PhD Go change the world, Give back to your community Comparte tus talents Beautiful, inteligente, poderosx grad student I believe in you, I am proud of you Tu puedes, and you will Con amor, un PhD del otro lado Health has been on my mind a lot lately as I hear about grad students’ I know mental or physical health decline. It also brings me back to my own struggles with my salud during grad school. It was not a fun time. I want to share my story with you and some tangible things you can do to make sure you don’t end up in the chaotic attack graduate education can throw at your health. Your health matters and should be a priority. As long as I could remember I was a really healthy individual. I would only get a cold maybe once a year and my mental health was amazing. My first year in grad school went fine. I was super healthy until finals week at the end of my first year of grad school. I got the freaking flu in May, which was really odd for me. Then summer came and everything was still okay. Everything seemed on par with my health in the past but when I started my second year suddenly everything changed… I remember when I started the semester that I would be constantly burping all the time and felt nauseous at times. I was so weirded out and didn’t know what the hell was going on with my body. I went to the student health center where an awesome doctor (Dr. Garrison) who I saw throughout graduate school concluded that I may have a bout of acute gastritis and prescribed some antacids to help reduce my stomach acid and he said within a few weeks I should be good to go! I took the meds he prescribed and like he said I got better, which I was so relieved about…. But then… Fast forward to Halloween weekend during the fall semester, I got smacked with a cold! I didn’t think much of it because it was just a cold and within a few days, I would be fine right? WRONG… a whole week goes by and I still felt terrible… I couldn’t even get out of bed, which was not like me at all. I was scared because I had never been that sick before. Of course like any anxious human I started doing google searches and found that having a cold after 7 full days was not okay, so back to the doctor I went. The doctor listened to my concerns and he wasn’t too worried and said that I should ride it out for another week. He did test me for strep and mono just to make sure I didn’t have anything going on in my system. All those tests came back negative. I went home feeling very confused and helpless because I was used to always being on the go and bouncing back pretty fast. This experience really shocked me and challenged me physically and mentally. For the next week, I would spend my time in bed and would only leave my house to go to class. Sleep, eat, class, and repeat was my routine. Another week has gone by and I still am not back to my normal self… and I remember watching my friend’s dog because she had to be out late and I broke down at her house… I literally started crying for my mom because I felt so helpless, alone, and like this was never going to end. This moment of uncontrollable tears streaming down my face was my wake up call… Lorena que estas haciendo para llegar hasta aquí!? (what are you doing that has led you here). All summer and fall semester I had taken on A LOT of responsibilities on a research project that my lab was conducting on top of all my responsibilities as a graduate student. When I agreed to everything it didn’t seem too much and as Mexicana daughter of immigrants I had been conditioned to hustle hard because if I didn’t then I would be considered “lazy”. And the crazy thing was after the summer I could focus on just my research work because I had earned a pre-doctoral fellowship to fund my work. But I didn’t know any better and no one (not even my adviser) was stopping me in tracks to make sure I wasn’t taking on too much. Instead the load just kept getting bigger and bigger… and as you can tell by my story, my body was literally screaming at me to stop and tell me no seas pendeja cuidate (don’t be dumb, take care of yourself)! So I go back to the doctor and he runs a ton of labs because he is concerned. He’s like you are very healthy so it makes no sense that you still feel like crap. He can tell by my white blood count that I am fighting something. So he tests me for mono, strep, flu, and a few other things to rule everything he could possibly rule out in his office. I was crying in his office because at that point I didn’t know what to do. His only thought was that I could still be fighting off what I caught at the beginning and caught something half-way through the process. He gave me antibiotics to help with whatever I was fighting to hopefully get me back to myself. I started taking antibiotics and the doctor told me that if after 4-5 days I still felt crappy, to come back again. So I started the antibiotics and a few days later I still felt like shit so I went back and he ran labs again. My white blood count was actually back to normal so that was a good sign and he told me to give it another week because it could just be a lot of stress on my body trying to recover. Finally, thanksgiving rolls around and I feel much better. I was finally myself. Those were the longest 4 weeks of my life. I had never had that experience and I don’t wish upon no-body. Even though I felt better, the crisis with my health didn’t end there. From all this stress on my body and the stress of grad school, I developed gastritis which I battled all throughout graduate school. I could not function without being on the most powerful proton-inhibitors. Everyday I had to wake up and pop my pill otherwise I felt so sick to my stomach. I also regularly became accustomed to catching a cold or feeling off every month to 6 weeks. It became my new norm… I also became a very anxious person. The whole experience of being sick for 4 weeks made me so anxious about getting that sick again. Anytime I felt off or felt something my mental health would be shaken… this actually pushed me into therapy and I learned to be more aware and mindful of my stress levels. The point is this should not be anyone's norm! Doesn’t matter what health conditions are unleashed during your graduate experience. Shouldn’t the system change if so many students develop physical and mental health conditions? I think so!! But since of course I couldn’t change the system on my own I did change some things in my day to day life that helped me stay afloat until I crossed the PhD finish line and these are what worked for me and could help you or at least help you find what may help you!
I hope this post is helpful to you and your journey. I can happily say that I longer have any of these health issues that I had during graduate school. It's safe to say that grad school was a toxic environment for me and my health. This is a major reason I didn’t go into academia because I value my health and couldn’t see myself break down the way I was. Plus, I found a career where my health was not compromised and where I felt my light ignited in ways that I never imagined. I hope you find a place where you can be your best self and don’t feel like you have to compromise any part of your life. I care about you… please also care about yourself too! |
AuthorDr. Lorena Aceves unapologetically telling you the real deal about being brown in an academic world, but deciding she is going to be her authentic self and make her wildest dreams come true en esta vida! Archives
November 2022
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