Almost a year out of graduate school, I can’t even begin to tell you how much better I am doing. My mental health is better than it has ever been. I find myself growing and healing in ways that I never thought possible. My physical health has also recuperated to what it used to be. I went from taking 4-5 medications daily to keep my stress-induced gastritis at bay during graduate school, to being off all those medications! And in all my reflections, I am also coming to terms with SO MANY experiences I went through that were not okay. I hope that no one has to go through them. The sad reality is even in this blog, which I use for self-expression and to connect with other students of color facing similar struggles, I have heard/received backlash about what I have to say. If that does not prove how broken academia is and how it continues to censure folks that speak out, I do not know what would. Today, I am using my platform to speak my truth about my experiences in hopes of validating other students’ experiences, and inspire folks in academia to push for change. By “change” I mean real change. Not just on paper or with acquiescent head nods and one liners about how much they care about diversity, equity, and inclusion, because it has not, is not, and will continue to not be enough. It is time to step up and actually take action, even if it is as small as standing up for “minor” injustices, because this is how we can keep pushing bigger and critical cultural shifts in academia! Let’s dive in! “Your writing needs A LOT OF WORK, you are going to struggle A LOT!” I heard this a lot during the first year of graduate school from everyone and anyone that came across my writing. I think acknowledging that I was not the best writer was okay, but getting unsolicited reminders ALL THE TIME that my writing sucked really tanked my confidence. In undergrad, I always got by with my hard work and getting to know my professors so I could meet the expectations for what they wanted to see from my submitted work. And I always succeeded in those efforts. In graduate school, the assumption was always that I was not good enough and who knows if I would make it. What my graduate school professors failed to understand is that I am a first generation college student and that my first language was, indeed, Spanish and not English. Reading and writing are subjects that I had to work twice as hard throughout my entire life because I had to constantly code switch between my home and academic life. That takes more brain power and diligence than it does to exist as a monolingual person. But NO academia and its people quickly assumed that I was just not cut out for this. So for everyone, but especially for my monolingual professors out there, be kind to your graduate students who are talented enough to be pursuing the highest degree in their field in a language that is not their first language. “You cannot finish in 5 years because you do not have a masters degree prior to the PhD program!” Oh man, I recently recounted this story in a panel at SRCD. I nearly cried because I realized how terrible it was for someone to make assumptions about me without knowing anything about me or my academic path. One day, in my 4th year of my PhD program I was casually printing surveys in a common area in my department. A professor comes in and notices the shiny engagement ring on my finger and asks if I had just gotten engaged, I responded yes. And then this person moved on to ask about when I was planning to finish my degree, I responded that I planned to finish within the next year. This professor then went on to ask well, did you start the program with a masters degree, and I said no. This person then went on to look me straight in the eye and tell me that typically students who don’t come with a masters take 6 years and not 5. This person then left. This person is White and making too many assumptions and judgments about me and my work… especially for someone who knew nothing about me and had never seen or been even remotely involved in ANY of my academic work. To say that was not racial profiling and “policing” about when students of color can make progress, is dumb because I am sure (p < .05) this person would have not gone up to a white student and made the same remarks. “I support you and want to help.” (Read: If I need to confront faculty or make them uncomfortable to remedy this, whatever you’re going through is not worth the trouble). There was an individual I truly considered an ally. I trusted this person with some of the hardest and most difficult things I was going through. But when it came to taking action either on my behalf or other students of color, the default was always to take sides with professors even when what they were doing was inherently wrong and/or racist. How are we students supposed to feel safe and supported by our departments, when we share our most vulnerable and frightening moments, and are met with invalidation that serves to maintain the status quo where faculty are the priority? Validating the experiences of students of color and actively working to solve them is inherently going to make people uncomfortable. It’s changing the power structure, and we know academia is really not great with changes. Fixing this issue though, is not accountability. It is the absolute bare minimum required to even whisper to yourself that you care about students of color and issues of equity, diversity, and inclusion. Making people uncomfortable is how we create the change that needs to happen in academia. Time to reflect and push yourself to more, because we’ve said it before, and I’m sure we’ll say it again (no matter how tired we are) - this behavior is unacceptable. “I know you are the first author of the paper, but I want to change the authorship.” Another time, I had conceptualized and written the first draft of a paper, but when it came to the third round of submissions a faculty member wanted to strip me of my first author position. No reason. No explanation. A decision was being made about a project that I had taken the lead on for multiple years. I felt so powerless. I remember going into group therapy the week of this incident ENRAGED, which was strange for me because it takes A LOT for me to get this upset. I had always heard about the horror stories around publishing, but I didn’t realize just how hellish these horror stories feel until it happened to me. Thankfully, between advocating for myself (which is scary as a grad student, as a woman, and as a Latina individually… now add all of them together) and a White colleague standing up for me, I managed to fight for my rightful place as first author. I’m glad it all worked out, but it’s still disheartening to know that I was so close to being thrown off of a paper I conceptualized and wrote for the most part for no other reason than someone with more power than me (both in the department and in society, because privilege is REAL) making a decision. The one time, I had to propose my dissertation twice. I have spoken openly about this experience in a blog post already, read more here: https://lorena-aceves.weebly.com/blog/stars-shine-the-brightest-in-the-dark But no one cared about how broken down I felt or about how out of left field this change was to me. Writing a policy paper as part of a dissertation is something I had never heard being done in my department (no one else had heard about this either). I was at the lowest point I had ever been mentally in graduate school, which is rough as I was trying to finish this milestone so that I could move on with my life that was already waiting for me. There is not enough support in place for those who go through such unexpected transitions in milestones. I somehow was resourceful on my own and got it done! This is not okay and if something this drastic is happening at this point of students’ academic career, there needs to be communication way sooner than a proposal meeting, and there is no reason that the student should not be involved in this decision making process. The dissertation is touted as the “project you choose because you’re interested in it”, so let’s involve students! Thankfully I have made amends with this experience, (which took a lot of active personal healing) and I won a dissertation award. This happy ending does not take away from how hard the experience was and students should not have to experience something of this magnitude related to their milestones, which are already stressful. Same goes for you, just because something ends well (in grad school or in anything else in life), that does not invalidate the struggle it took to get there. The multiple times, I had suppressed my Mexican-identity to “fit in”. I honestly did not realize this until I finished graduate school, how much of my Mexican identity I had “turned off” to survive in grad school. Even from changing the way I dressed, did my hair, and spoke. I made these changes so that faculty would not judge me for being “different”. So that I would fit in and not be seen as unprofessional. I had to hide how my parents were undocumented, being afraid that someone in my department could be racist/anti-immigrant and try to go after my academic progress or my family. I hate to say it so blunty, but why would anyone want to be in an environment where they can’t even be themselves? Thankfully I had other sisters of color in my college/department and mentors with whom I was able to, even if only momentarily, be myself, unapologetically, without the backlash, and with all the validation and love. The one time all my friends of color were walking together to a department event, and a faculty member made fun of us and called the “gang”. One time, all my friends (yes, all BIPOC) and I were walking to a department event together. We were waiting for one of our friends to gather their stuff. As we were waiting, a faculty member walks by and makes a joke about all of us being together and calls a “gang”. At that moment, my friends and I just looked at each other and gave each other a look of “what just happened??”. Yes, it was a relatively small injustice, but that doesn’t invalidate the experience (afterall, we have an entire word for it: “microaggression”). I am sure just like myself, my friends remember this experience very well. I could keep going on and on about the different instances and experiences that were definitely not okay, especially in the eyes of a BIPOC doctoral student. But academics do not stop. It makes sense that they don’t though. There are no consequences for their racist and/or elitist behaviors. Institutions do not require them to reflect on their agenda, words, or actions and the many ways that they may be unfair for BIPOC and other minoritized students. I wanted to speak and be la resistencia as my blog name states in the title and continue to speak out on these experiences. Academia te pasaste and it's time to change. I wanted to invite other scholars that have any small or large experiences they would like to share anonymously for me to put together in a blog post to showcase how pervasive these injustices are, especially because I am not willing to sit around allow academia to get away with all this ish and just slide it under the rug. It is time for some accountability and what better way than to speak our truths and unmask some of the weird and unfair experiences we have had. Send me your experiences via private message on Facebook, Twitter, text me, call me, and email me. Even if you don’t want your experience included and just need some validation. I hope this blog inspires you to not stay silent and at the very least to find people at your institution with which you can feel safe. As always, I am here if I can be of service or help to you. Feeling empowered and with love, Lorena Comments are closed.
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AuthorDr. Lorena Aceves unapologetically telling you the real deal about being brown in an academic world, but deciding she is going to be her authentic self and make her wildest dreams come true en esta vida! Archives
November 2022
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